Uncanny emotions
We ate dinner today care of our Korean friend who is about to go back to his country by tomorrow. After eating, he started giving out his things to us.
I actually find it as something simple. Our friend cannot bring everything back to Korea that’s why he is giving his things to us. However, almost all my friends got so emotional they started crying.
I don’t get it. Or maybe I’m not getting the message that someone special is already going to leave us. That it would take long before we all see each other again.
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Long before that, our newly appointed boss interviewed us one by one to know what we are made of. If you are a normal person, you know that it’s not really an avenue for crying. But then, it only took me 30 minutes to cry there. I choked up mixing my aspirations and frustrations in the corporate life
To sum up my two years of stay in the company, I may have already shed tears five times in the office.
I am actually putting more weight to my work. And normally, the notion is that it’s not really a good practice.
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Emotional Low Blow
I may be depressed.
Today, I woke up at around 12PM. Got out of bed, ate lunch at more than my average serving. Went out with my uncle and auntie to MOA. Ate merienda with them and downed a huge dose of chinese food by 6PM.
My immune system is also in an all time low. My colds won’t still go away. There’s still phlegm stuck in my throat. My lips are so dry that the two sides are already bleeding. I also smell blood every time I breathe. It may have been caused by too much blowing of my nose.
I may be depressed.
I’ve always been yearning to stand on my own because I always feel that my mother is not giving me enough freedom to express myself. My mother has such a strong strange grasp on my neck that I cannot move properly. I never get to accomplish what I want because she always wants her decisions to be followed. If I don’t get to follow her, she sees to it that I feel her overpowering resentment towards what I’ve done.
But then again, I may just have a very weak personality. I depend on my mother because I don’t want too much blame to fall on my shoulders if everything fails. I may be using her as a mask in explaining the result of my actions especially if they turn out to be bad. I may just be scared to stand on my own.
I am depressed.
It’s funny how I analyze myself yet I still can’t formulate a solution on how I can be truly happy. I’ve been studying myself ever since I am five. I should already know who I am. Yet, I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know myself. I don’t understand the environment around me. I don’t understand the people around me. I don’t understand why they act this way around me when in fact I may have been the one who started it all.
I feel so hollow. I’ve always have this feeling that this body doesn’t belong to me. I’ve always thought that I am just something inside this body. That I can transfer myself by going out of my body. It is a way of escape.
I am really depressed.
I remembered contemplating on suicide when I was about five years old because I’ve always thought that what I will be doing in this Earth is nothing but rubbish. I really want to get out of my body at that age and then just float like a spirit. I just want to be a mere spectator of all the hoolabaloo in this world.
I feel so weak. Is there life after this?
Take me away from this pain.
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Tags: life, suicide
Best birthday gift ever
I’ve been thinking of how I should be celebrating my 23rd year of existence here on Earth. There are a lot of things to consider, now that I am going to be considered old enough for everything adult.
I am old enough to have a long term relationship (which, I don’t really have)
I am old enough to get married
I am old enough to be a mother to an infant
I am old enough to buy myself a car
I am old enough to buy my own house
I am old enough to save for my future
I am old enough to choose what is right and best for me
I am old enough to excel in the field which I have chosen
The list will go on and on. I can whine about this the whole day. Bottomline is: I haven’t achieved anything yet. That’s failure to show the right behavior for this particular milestone. Sad.
If God would permit, here are my wishful thinkings on or before my 23rd birthday:
1. a new supervisory job, where everybody loves me and I love everyone. My current work is bereft of that.
2. I am strutting around my Gray Mazda 3 in style
3. I got 3M worth of savings stashed in more than three banks
4. toned down limbs
5. a boyfriend who can be my barkada
Who knows? I just might get it before my birthday. That’s exactly 36 days to go…
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January 1, 2010
Last year, particularly December 31, 2009, I decided that I should be talking more and writing more. 2010 should be the time for me to voice out my opinions. However, more than that, I will still be here to listen.
I opened up my laptop while waiting to digest my first meal of the day. It feels nice to be writing at this time of the day, just to let out toxins from my body.
I won’t be posting any New Year Resolutions that are meant to be broken. 2010 is a time for me to enjoy life to the fullest. I will not deprive myself of anything. I am just going to prioritize on what I really want with my life.
Happy New Year to me and to everyone! I’m now going to have full control of my life. I am going to be accountable for my actions and never ever blame others, especially my family for all not so good things that will happen. I am going to create my own weather. I will be happy.
Yes, I am making sense.
I will give work a chance. I will buy what I want. I will think of God on whatever things I will do.
It’s time to party! All right!
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You Don’t Belong Here!
Our building is currently undergoing a renovation so our department was forced to move in to our regional counterpart for a month or more. My officemates were the one who took care of the movement. And as I have explained in my previous entry that I am not in jibe with them, I was really expecting that they will be placing my desk somewhere not really comfortable.
To my utter disbelief, no table and chair was given to me. I guess they really hate me that much to make me suffer like this.
My boss gave an ad lib that I might feel too cold in the front area so he took that place. He told me to share seats with a region mate who doesn’t really hold office everyday there. Well, the person is there, and it just feels so uncomfortable to sit with her with that small table and a sofa as our seat.
My officemates got their old tables in place. They got no problems with rearranging their things. I can’t do that in my case because no drawers are available for me. Actually, it would even be too much to ask to display some of my office supplies at the top of the table because it would really eat up space.
I’ve been really thinking what wrong I have done to them to give me a problem like this. Is it because I work too seriously? Well, didn’t I add them in my Facebook account also? Is it because I came out too ambitious when I forwarded to them my profile as a sample? It’s not as if I’m going to plot something evil against them just to advance to my career.
I am just so dismayed with the company of which I am working on with right now. There may be no problem with its benefits and compensation but the people who are working here are just too crab-like in pulling others down.
I will be doomed for life if I choose to stay here.
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Tags: office
Badly Cornered
I didn’t go to the office yesterday. It was an unplanned leave, although I was able to ask my boss to sign my Leave Form last Thursday. I gave out a white lie that I was going to accompany my mom to claim her insurance again from the PDIC, but in reality, my main purpose is to show up for a job interview from another company.
So I woke up yesterday full of hope, that I may finally leave a company that does not share the same values and principles with me. I ate my breakfast early, took a bath fast, and even put on my makeup which I haven’t done for months. The only problem that I have is finding where specifically the building is located in JP Rizal. The city atlas does not state anything about the company; although, I thought it wouldn’t be a problem because I already know where to find the street.
Guess what. I wasn’t able to go to the job interview. My mother, upon hearing that I have an appointment with another company – which is not as famous as my current one, discouraged me from doing so. She told me that if I am going to leave, I should be seeking for an upgrade of the company. (To which I thought, what other company will my mom perceive as more well-known than Coca-Cola? Coke will be very hard to surpass.)
I may not totally agree with what my mom wants, but trying to be the most obedient (or most YES MAN) daughter that I am. I heeded in and ruined my whole day. Of course I was so pissed off, I unconsciously passed my frustrations to everyone I met. I think one of the bank employees got scared from approaching me because she saw me like I was going to throw sharp ice.
Later on, my mom invited me for a coffee just near our house. There, I broke down in front of her. I started out with a story of how a manager mismanaged me, down to my department’s big bosses, down to my officemates. I told her I couldn’t take all the beatings anymore. I was crying because of anger, of helplessness, of unfair play. I felt like I have no place in this company. Nobody is there to protect me, not even my immediate superior. And to top that off, I don’t have a good relationship with my officemates. They never liked me because I wasn’t as gregarious as them. The only officemate who understands me has already transferred to another branch office, leaving me all alone.
It was a revelation unfolding by itself. As I continued with my litany, I realized that I am not happy with what I am doing anymore. The Human Resources practice which I dreamed of doing is actually a nightmare, a very bad joke. I realized that upon hearing the phrase, “good morning,” a greeting which Coca-Cola employees manage to give to everyone, no matter what time of the day, already disgusts me. The supposedly simple motivational gesture turned out to be a symbolism of inaction and stubbornness. Employees refuse to understand that life moves on as time passes by.
I so want to move out not because of the brand that we have, but because of some people I have to painfully deal with closely every day. I am already so disillusioned with anger that if something goes wrong, the first thing that I would think of is sabotage, EITHER caused by someone who wants me OUT or by someone who is just merely STUPID. The most recent experience which I had was when somebody called me up to cancel the accommodation of the training manager. Fortunately, I know the manager and logic dictated me to inform her first about the supposed cancellation. Had I followed the instructions blindly, I would have been tangled in another bunch of threads again. Previously, I believe that THAT somebody also doubled my accommodation for another manager. Honestly…it feels like your efforts being flushed down the drain in front of you.
It is very clear that a very big organization does really have an unclear communication problem. BUT WHAT IS THIS? The signal is as bad if not worse with people who I work with inside my very own department just as with people who have to work in tandem with me even if they are from another area.
I am so fucking depressed with everything that is happening! My dignity is being replaced by blood money!
And now I feel like I’ve been caught in a dead end. The wall in front of me is so high that I cannot claw through it no matter what. They are beating me badly. My reputation has been so messed up that nobody would want to help me boost my career anymore. I remember the time when I reported the SAP database glitch that we had way back, they attacked me with taunts/comments that I was so bibo, pakialamera or whatever bad thing that they could think of. They even threatened me with disciplinary actions. I know I was just trying to help, because I only gave that information to my boss to relay. Had I been really the bad person they thought I am, I could have emailed the problem to everyone, complete with evidences and annotations. They ruined my reputation by spreading that one-sided story around. It does really hurt so bad.
I’m afraid that as a worker, I am evolving for the worse. My ideals have been shredded and tainted so badly I cannot go back to them anymore. This is what my friend calls “Corporate Rape.” The virtual hymen has been destroyed. And it cannot be repaired unless the memory eraser from the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind really does exist.
Maybe the only way to regain dignity is to go back and find another maze again. I’ve come this far, but it has not all been worth it because there may be no end to this.
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Tags: boss, conflict, corporate, hatred, office
Gusto Ko
Gusto kong makawala sa kinalalagyan ko.
Gusto kong yumaman.
Gusto kong umibig.
Gusto kong bumili ng headset.
Gusto kong makasama lagi ang aking mga kaibigan.
Gusto ko ng kalayaan.
Gusto kong magbitiw sa trabaho.
Gusto kong tumira sa ibang bansa.
Gusto kong makalimutan ang lahat.
Gusto kong masilayan ang pagsikat ng araw bukas.
Gusto kong mag-aral ulit.
Gusto kong maipakita sa mundo na kaya ko pa rin.
Gusto ko ng simpleng buhay.
Gusto kong hanapin ang sarili ko.
Gusto kong matulog.
Gusto kong magising ulit bukas.
Bukas na lang ulit.
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Sana Tama na ang Away Pulitika
Just a thought: Hindi natin dapat iasa sa pulitiko ang lahat; Dahil hindi naman natin masisisi ang lahat sa kanila.
Now that election time is fast approaching, bullets of controversies get scattered around. These things are meant to confuse us with our decision on who to vote. And this is NEVER something new.
We can’t expect our future elected officials to be our saviors. If miracles do really happen, well, let’s not expect them to make them for us.
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No Doubt
I feel so ugly today. I probably will feel this way again tomorrow.
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Thoughts on the upcoming reunion
A while ago I was enumerating the pros and cons on attending the umpteenth reunion with my highschool batchmates. This is not going to be the usual BIG reunion as a lot of my close friends may not be attending, so it might end up with me socializing back to acquiantances back again.
I’ve always been perceived as antisocial – not the psychological antisocial personality but someone who always ends up with nobody to talk to. It’s not as if I don’t want conversing with people. I just often find myself running out of topics to discuss about. Also, I do get bored easily and there would really be times when I don’t digest what people have been blabbing about. It’s really a bad thing that I’ve carried on that bad habit up to this day.
Yes I’m weird but not that weird during my elementary and highschool days. I’ve kept friends to a minimum because I don’t trust that easily. Maybe I developed that because I’ve been used by my other classmates countless times before. I always have a bad taste in my mouth everytime I discover that I was just being utilized for something. It’s as if, hey! I’m also a warm human being!
Well, I’ve accepted and learned that I really need to be a utility for others benefit sometimes to stabilize my career direction now that I’m working.
Okay. So going back, it’s been almost six years ever since I have graduated from highschool. Some things may have already changed, right?
PROS
- Be able to estabish relationships. Get contacts with where these people are right now. Etc etc.
- Just for old times’ sake – get to see what has become of these other batchmates of mine since I am not going to be with my usual old close friends.
- There might be someone in the group who is boyfriend material. I’ve always been vocal about going steady with a person who shares the same ethnic group with me. I just feel that local Chinese men are a thad more faithful than their Filipino counterparts. I don’t know. I may just be biased because I am also Chinese. Our batch is full of fair-skinned bachelors.
- Actually, last year, I’ve had a serious delirious crush with someone in my batch that I’ve resorted to cyberstalking his Friendster and Facebook accounts. Aside from that, I’ve also greeted him on his birthday through text. My actions were never reciprocated, and my last hurrah went poof when I saw from the online pictures that some of my classmates want him to be with another batchmate of ours. I just want to see him again.
- Chismis and not being part of the topic. I sooooo love chismis. It’s what makes a group alive.
CONS
- I may feel OP (out of place) because I am not with my usual buddies. That would be too bad. I may resort to drinking too much which may result to too much information. Hahaha! (Actually the drinking part may be good for me as it will help me easen up from getting out of my shell. However, drinking may leave a bad impression to my batchmates. I am not an ALCOHOLIC! I’ve been struggling with that term ever since somebody labeled me as one.)
- I don’t have a boyfriend to bring. At the age of 22, if you are still an NBSB or are not dating, people will think that something is wrong with you. No, I’m not gonna start with the whole explanation thing again about me. I hate peer pressure that kills.
- I feel that I’ve never been famous enough for name-memory retention. Talking to someone who I know but doesn’t remember my name is always a great frustration for me. Have I not been that moving enough for a person to associate my name to my face?
Hmmmm….ano na ba kaya? It’s a good thing that our batch still holds reunions like this so that we’ll still have that special bond to look forward to. My friends are not going because they all have their own agenda and reunions may not be that important to them anymore. But I really do feel that I shouldn’t be taking this for granted. Sayang naman kasi ang pinagsamahan right?
The whole point of the story is that I’m writing this to actually convince myself that I should go. Somehow, I may just have the opportunity to go back to the things that made me become this person that I am today.
Good night.
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Tags: friends, highschool, insecurity, reunion
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